Exotic Cheese

I had a sassy, angry post ready to launch related to Covid, but am just so tired of it. Instead, here is another fun flash fiction entry I did a few months ago, I hope you enjoy it.

My husband was recently prescribed medical marijuana for various work-related injuries. He enjoyed experimenting with different strains.  Some were helpful for sleep, some were great for quelling anxiety, and others dulled his twisted sense of reality. 

He tried many methods of consumption.  Cooking with it and eating edibles was delightful if he didn’t miss the mark and take too much.  A good old-fashioned joint was preferred though he couldn’t roll very well.  Vaping was the easiest way. 

One night, he tried a particularly strong strain.  He had just fixed himself a snack and was looking at me through red swollen eyelids. 

“Mmmm… what kind of cheese is this?”  He asked while chewing too loudly. He was eating a cracker with a piece of cheese on top. Cracker was falling out of his mouth and onto the floor. “It’s so exotic and smokey.” 

“What cheese? I haven’t bought any new cheese lately.” I had groceries delivered to the house while I was at work. 

“That grocery order had cheese in it, I put it in the fridge yesterday.” The look on his face was slowly changing. Panic was spreading from his squinched eyes to his now-open jaw. “My throat is burning; this is very spicy!”  

Now concerned, I ran over to the counter where he prepared his snack. I picked up the package next to the crackers and it clicked. 

“You are eating artisanal soap!”  I wasn’t even halfway through my sentence before he was scratching away at his tongue and running to the bathroom to induce vomiting. I read the soap wrapper and it contained a few worrisome ingredients, including cedar and eucalyptus essential oils. 

I called poison control while he got busy throwing up. “I’m frothing!” He was extremely high and becoming frantic. 

“Don’t worry honey, it’s just soap, it does that.” 

“Poison control, how may I help you?” I went through the painful process of telling them my husband was so stoned that he decided to serve himself a slice of soap on a cracker and was now foaming at the mouth while trying to barf it out.  I was met with silence, so I quickly added, “There is eucalyptus oil in the soap and google says it is poisonous….” 

She assured me that the tiny amount contained in a sliver of soap would not be enough to harm him. It would likely cause stomach upset, and I should feed him something. When she added that he probably had the munchies anyway we both couldn’t contain our laughter. She thanked me for the giggle and hung up. 

After some more dramatics, frothing and barfing, my husband emerged from the bathroom.

“How are you feeling?” 

“Clean.  And hungry.”  With that, he made himself a sandwich, and I made sure to hide the ‘cheese’ in the process.